HAPPY NON DEMOTIONAL NON THREATENING HOLIDAY ZIM!
by Scribe E
Summary: My present to you!.........I didn't have enough money for anything good, I'm sorry.


Hello everyone. Its the beginning of my xmas break and you know what that means?   
  
College Zim: Time for *hic* Drinkz?  
  
No.  
  
Invader Dib Zim: Time for me and Dib to get trapped in comical situations in which bad stuff happens like robot dating?  
  
No.  
  
The Reign Zim: Kill everything!  
  
Thats not a question.  
  
The Reign Zim: KILL YOU FIRST!!!  
  
Uhhh right. You're all wrong, it means that I can start working on you guys again.  
  
College Zim: Whoop de *hic* freegin doo.  
  
Invader Dib Zim: Hooray! Now I can *Falls over comically on a bannana peel and screams in pain as the fall breaks many of his internal organs*  
  
The Reign Zim: *sharpens a rusty axe with a spinning wheel pointing and laughing evilly at yours truly.*  
  
Zim With no arms: Hi.  
  
When did I make you?  
  
Zim with no arms: You didn't, I'm here for comic relief. Wanna shake my hand? *Sticks out nub*  
  
But you don't have any hands.  
  
Zim with no arms: I KNOW! HAHAHAHA! THATS THE JOKE! I HAVE NO ARMS! GET IT! ITS FUNNY! MY LIFE IS FUNNY! ISN'T IT? HAHAAHA! I WISH I WAS DEAD EVERY SECOND!  
  
Look you're kind of creeping me out, how about you let me do this story and then I feed you strained mush in a bowl.  
  
Zim with no arms: Thank you, I'm so very hungry.....and alone.  
  
Right. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!  
  
  
Invader Zim: Happy Non Demotional Non Threatening Holiday ZIM!  
  
"FOR CHRISTMAS," said the small boy in front of the class, yelling at the top of his lungs. "I WANT A PONY AND A AIRPLANE AND A WHISTLE AND BELLBOTTOMS AND A GARBAGE CAN WITH MY NAME ON IT!"  
  
Ms. Bitters slithered around the young child, her eyes glaring against the lights on the ceiling. "Oh really? Well thats a nice wish list Timmy, but would you like to know what you'll really get for Christmas?"  
  
Timmy nodded.  
  
"You'll be getting an F for this semester and I'll be informing your parents of your lack of potential and UTTER FAILURE IN LIFE! This will cause them to begin to hate you and then each other, resulting a horrible divorce in which you will be placed into the hands of your cruel uncle and aunt. After a couple of days in their clutches, you'll see the Harry Potter movie and expect to be taken to a mystical land of wizardy just like the young boy in the film. Do you want to know what will really happen though?"  
  
Timmy, now shaking and wetting himself with tears falling down his face, nodded.  
  
"YOU'LL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH INVOLVING YOUR BUNNY PAJAMAS AND AN ELECTRIC COMB! NOW GET IN YOUR SEAT!" Bitters icy claw pointed to his empty seat and Timmy ran back crying, a trail of urine following behind him out of his pants.  
  
"Jeez." Dib said as he watched the young boy cry in his seat. "Bitters is acting especially mean this winter. *Hmph* Must be her time of the month."  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT DIB?" Bitters spun around, glaring into Dib's eyes.  
  
"I uhhhh said uhhhhh..." Dib blurted out the first thing that sprang to his mind. "I ENJOY WOMEN'S UNDERGARMENTS!"  
  
"Hmmm," Bitters said staring strangely at Dib. "I never was very fond of them."   
  
"Don't throw up. Don't throw up." Dib thought to himself, food coming up his throat.  
  
"Since you are more than anxious to interrupt our lessons today Mister Membrane, perhaps you would like to come to the front of the class and recite your pathetic Christmas wishes." Dib walked up to the front of the class, still being eyed by the snake like Bitters.  
  
"'What I want for Christmas. By Dib Membrane.'" Dib cleared his throat. "There is only one thing that I want for this Holiday Season, a thing I have been longing for most of my life and that is that EVERYONE BE REVEALED TO THE EVIL ALIEN THAT IS ZIM!!"  
  
Dib pointed to the empty desk which Zim usually sits in.  
  
"Where the..?" Right at that moment, Zim and Gir crashed through the school window, beating on a midget in an elf costume.  
  
"I'LL JINGLE YOUR BELLS! JINGLE THEM WITH PAIN!" Zim smacked a large rock against the side of the struggling elf's head, until he stopped struggling.  
  
"OH MY GOD! ZIM KILLED AN ELF!" A young child of the class said, tears falling down her face. Zim looked down at the bloody elf and dropped the brick instantly.   
  
"Huh, guess he is dead isn't he? Well I'm sure he won't be trying to give me Holiday Greetings again, will you corpsey?" Zim kicked the dead elf in the gut, causing his horribly mangled face to fall into the sight of all the now screaming children.   
  
"Good work Zim. You have truly helped me to describe how horrible and mind shattering the Christmas season is. The only thing you'll be getting for Christmas this year boys and girls is a present that Santa dubs 'INSANITY'! Class dismissed." Bitters then dissappeared behind the desk and the children were allowed out of their seats and into their holiday break.   
  
"Way to go with the elf bashing Zim." Dib cackled as he walked past the green invader. "You've only helped to endorse the fact that you yourself are an alien being trying to take over the world."  
  
"I'LL ENDORSE YOUR FACT!" Zim reached for the brick in his pocket, drenched in elf blood, but was interrupted by a red fat jolly man.  
  
"Kidz shoulnt bee fitin on Crisytmas." The bearded man said, snatching the brick out of Zim's grasp and throwing it at a nearby car, causing the car to swerve and hit into a building. "You shoud be jully like mE! Saint Bick!"   
  
"GIVE ME BACK MY BRICK OR I'LL..!"  
  
"Better not threaten Santash this Christmas or you'll get some coat."  
  
"You mean coal?" Zim retorted.  
  
".....I love you mom." The obviously drunk Saint Nick said, falling on top Zim.  
  
"AAAA! GET HIM OFF! HE SMELLS LIKE URINE!"  
  
"Don't we all Zim?" Dib walked away from the peareled Zim laughing. "Good luck with 'Santa' there, I've heard drunks can throw up at any moment."  
  
"AAAA GET HIM OFF!"  
  
"Hey, hey kid. Santa needs something really bad from you." Santa said, whispering into Zim's ear. "Do you know what an enema is?"  
  
"MERRY CHRISTMAS DIB!" Professor Membrane sprang out of Dib's front door with decorations lighting up the house.  
  
"OH MY GOD! DAD! I haven't seen you in person for years. What are you doing home?"  
  
"Well I was finally able to get some vacation time from my show because I accidently sent a child spiralling through time so the show has been prolonged due to legal arguments from the parents. So how's my little girl doing, have you made the cheerleading team yet?" Professor Membrane rubbed Dib's head with his hand. "You're not going to be the best of show if you don't practice like we used to."  
  
"Ok first of all, I'm not a girl, I will never do cheerleading and you seem to be under the assumption that I'm a dog."  
  
"Of course not Dib, how could I ever think that." Professor Membrane quickly ran over to the tree, picked up the large bone-like present for Dib and hid it behind his back. "So......I'm going to go drink eggnog now."  
  
"Christmas gets worse every year." Dib said as he hung up his backpack on the coat rack. Walking over to the large television in the living room, Dib slunk down into the couch and pressed the "on" button.  
  
"So remember kids," The television rang out, "Celebrate the birth of our Lord God by seeing King of the Bracelets on Christmas Day. It's what he'd want you to do."  
  
"Boring." Dib switched the channel.  
  
"Oh no, its too foggy out, we'll never be able to ride my sleigh in this weather." The televised cartoon Santa said, moping over his sleigh.  
  
"Doesn't matter, you won't be needing that sleigh...IN HELL!" Bullets then flew through the air on the television, hitting Santa and his elves, blood splattering everywhere.  
  
"We'll return to 'Die Santa Die!' After these messages."  
  
"Its been done." Dib switched the channel once again.  
  
"You know your never going to find anything good own during the holiday season." Gaz said, walking over to her brother. "Its like trying to find a needle in a haystack."  
  
"It's worth a try anyway." Dib put down the remote and looked at Gaz. "So what did you want for Christmas again."  
  
"Gameslave 6000! The most highly technological gameslave known to mankind since Gameslave 5999.9999999999999999999999999999! How does it differ from the latter you may ask? Well it comes with this really cool pair of hanging dice!" Gaz point to a picture of the Gameslave 6000 with a pair of dice hanging from the front of it.   
  
"I see. How much does that thing cost again?"  
  
"Only one mortgage on our house, I'm sure dad can afford it."  
  
"Riiiight. Well this holiday should be just like all the others. Boring." Just as Dib said this Zim and a large creature with bright colors wrapped around it smashed through the window.  
  
"DIE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF ALL THAT WHICH IS KWANZAA!" Zim hit the large creature repeatedly with a soup ladle until the creature stopped moving.   
  
"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ZIM?" Dib cried out looking at the blood drenched Invader.  
  
"Why its rather simple, I'm eliminating all of your physical representations of your earth holidays. It shouldn't be too long now before they're all DEAD! MUHAHAHA! I guess you could call me a 'Grinch' who stole everything."  
  
".......I'm gonna go to bed now." Dib crawled out of the sofa and walked up to his room away from the Grinch-like Zim and video game obsessed sister. "I should probably be trying to stop Zim's schemes but I need to work on the problem of my Christmas spirit, I think its fading....or something."  
  
"RRRAAAAA!" Zim cried as he crashed into Dib, wrestling against yet another holiday physical representation.  
  
"ZIM! FOR GOD'S SAKE! I'm not even trying to stop your plan this time! LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
  
"Wait just a second stink boy." Zim held up his finger to Dib and looked back down at his soon to be holiday victim, an old gold digger who went by the name Yukon Cornelius.  
  
"NO WAIT! I THOUGHT YOU WERE A BUMBLE! THATS WHY I THREW YOU OFF THE ROOF CAUSE BUMBLES BOUNCE!"  
  
"I'LL BOUNCE YOU STINKPOT!" Zim then proceeded to pound the poor old claymation figure into unconciousness. "Anyway human, back to your problem, you are lacking 'holiday spirit' yes?"  
  
"Well yeah, sort of. You know its just the commercialness of Christmas seems to be overtaking the religious aspects of the whole thing."   
  
"Hmmmmm well I don't understand what you just said but on Irk, we have a holiday of sorts."  
  
"Really?" Dib looked up at Zim and leaned against the wall. "What was it?"  
  
"Well, it was known as THE NIGHT OF HORRIBLE BLOODLETTING! NOT EVEN THE CHILDREN WILL BE SPARED holiday."  
  
"Good God! That's the name of your holiday?"  
  
"Well its not so much a holiday as it is a blood bath involving thousands of innocent children battling a creature with thirty thousand claw-tendrils to the amusement of the onlooking populace, but its sort of like your holiday."  
  
".......You haven't grasped the concept of holidays at all have you Zim?"   
  
Zim thought for a second to himself.  
  
"Well the blood on my fists feels....festive?" Zim smiled and looked at Dib shaking his head.   
  
"All right Zim, this is getting ridiculous! I change my Christmas present! I WISH THAT YOU WOULD BE VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS!"  
  
".......That's it?"  
  
"........Yes." Dib entered his room and shut the door on Zim.  
  
"Well, that was rather....whats the word I'm looking for?"  
  
"PINEAPPLE!" Gir yelled from underneath the large corpse who was once known as Yukon Cornelius.  
  
"That's the one. Gir, pick up the drunken thing which tried to make me bounce and follow me back to headquarters." Zim walked past Gir as the tiny robot saluted his master and raised Yukon Cornelius over his shoulder. Walking past Gaz and the drunk off egg nog Professor Membrane, Zim opened the door for Gir and made his way for home. As Zim walked down the sidewalk only minutes before he reached his base, a light came over him. Smoke began to swirl around his feet and before Zim could let out a scream of terror, the smoke formed into a human form.  
  
"BEHOLD INVADER ZIM! I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS AAAAKKK!" Zim then shot the ghost right in his chest with a laser from his backpack causing him to convulse in pain, and fall over....well dead.  
  
"Yeah ok. Gir pick up the ghost thing and make the preparations for the rest of his kind with the anti-ghost equipment I picked up for this occasion."  
  
And Everyone Lived Happily Ever After....  
  
Dib: What the hell?  
  
Uhhh you didn't like it?  
  
Dib: What was that smoldering piece of garbage? I'm ashamed to even be related to this.  
  
Zim: Yeah, honestly I mean "Bumbles Bounce"?....You'll be hearing from my lawyer.  
  
But it's Christmas, you can't sue me on Christmas!  
  
Zim: HEY! DON'T PUSH YOUR RELIGION ON ME! HATE CRIMES! HATE CRIMES!  
  
Santa: And so you see children, everything worked out for the cast of Invader Zim. Zim learned the error of his ways after destroying the last holiday icon and brought a large Christmas ham to the Membrane family. Professor Membrane got so drunk that he actually was a good father.....for 3.5 seconds. Dib learned his lesson that Christmas is all about the gifts when he received his new Alien Detector 3000 from Santa. Gaz....died. Rudolph took down Frosty in the third round of the boxing match proving once again that his red nose is causde by alcohol and drug induced hallucinagenics. What happened to Scribe E you might ask? Well after this fic, he sort of went nuts and was placed into a mental institute where all he can do is count to three and mess himself.   
  
Random Kid: Are you even Santa?  
  
Santa:..........No.  
  
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKAH, uhhhhh KWAZY KWANZAA, and other things to everyone out there in fanfic land! 


End file.
